monsters

do you believe in them...i do...but not the monsters you would see in television or in video games...im talking about us. im talking about our inner monsters.
as we look into mirrors...as we look at reflections of ourselves...what do we see? adults? teenagers? children?

when i look in the mirror...i see a very simple human being. one who has done his share of sin...one who has gone through so many things that he can't possibly remember which one affected him the most...but there is one...yes! there is one...i remember a bit of it...3 letters rather...

God

YES! thats the one...God...ah how could i not remember Him!
all this time i know he was there but where was i...was i with him or was he with me...
i learned when i was a child that God is always there with me...through times of trouble, through times of joy, and through times of hardships...but was i there...did i take matters into my own hands?
...i tried...many many times...and many times ive failed...failed drastically...failed FAILED FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD!
hiow did i not realize... HOW DID I NOT REALIZE THAT I WASNT THE ONLY ONE DOING THINGS...how was i not realizing...

2 nights ago...i took my last step into the abyss of insecurity. i found myself in darkness. i felt my troubles creeping up against me...pressuring me...trying to find a crevice into my head, my soul. it reached it...it was easy... i tried to find some way to get to them, to remove them. but i had no light. nothing to shine to see where im stabbing myself. so i kept on stabbing...stabbing...killing myself slowly but surely. i drowned myself in fear and hatred and total animosity against myself and others. a huge torrent of complete fear broke me down. made me one with the flood and i rode it not seeing where it would take me...so i ask again...are we all monsters? are we all creatures of sin? are we all slaves to satan?
my answer is yes. as long as we are sons and daughters of Adam... we are all sinners....monsters

but that night...i found something in the darkness...something....something faint but unwavering in the distance. so i swim to it. i swim to it through my tears. i grab it...look at it.......ive seen this before.....ive seen it before im sure!...it was warm...so i bring it to my cold chest and i press it into me...into my heart into my very soul and i remember! I REMEMBER! i remember that this small light is not sin...its pure...its God...
and so i press it on to my chest...hoping that it would hopefully bring me out of this abyss but into the light...but it doesnt...it breaks me down even more...as low as the lowest rock. and i remember what it is...its God. and so i pray..i pray hard...i pray weeping and keep on doing so until i cant cry no more! and he answered me...that light grew so quickly and so strong through me that i felt saved. saved from where i was before...saved from that eternal abyss...

We are ALL monsters. monsters that seek forgiveness, approval, and salvation. there is only one God and he takes care of us. through our times of trouble and through are times of guilt and sin.

time machines...

to back in time...how would that feel like hm? how would it feel to back into a place that you want to remember once again...go back to a certain event that made you feel great...go back and undo the wrong that you've done........
i would go back...and change things...change things that ive done to hurt you.

but we know that a time machine doesnt exist. that all we can do now is work on it..all i can do now is work on us. to make things better for us....

for the last 2 mornings i havent had a good thought go through my mind yet. each of these mornings i remembered that you are upset...that you cant get through your day right without thinking about what i said or done these last few days. I CANT STAND NOT SEEING YOU HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i get soooooooooo frustrated that i did that to you.

time machine's arent real...but the effort putting into this is...

to you